No, your dating life is not over. No, your sex life is not over. As someone who has been living with an STI for over 10 years, I promise you—you can still have an INCREDIBLE intimacy life. Whoever said otherwise LIED. The truth is, STIs are manageable, and way more common than people think.
STIS ARE SUPER COMMON—THEY HAPPEN
In fact, 1 in 2 people who are sexually active will get an STI before the age of 25. Meaning, if you have an STI or get one at some point in your life, you are not alone. They’re common and they happen to people of all genders, backgrounds, races, etc. Plus, having an STI does not reflect someone’s worth, desirability, or ability to have a great relationship. Remember, there are plenty of ways to navigate an STI—medications, open conversations, safer sex practices, etc. And, letting go of shame and guilt (I know, that one is easier said than done).
REJECTIONS: TRUST THE RE-ROUTES
If someone rejects you because of your STI status, they are not for you. And that’s okay! We don’t want to be with people who are judgmental, shameful, or those who perpetuate stigma. Sometimes, disclosures act as a built-in filter—for identifying which people are aligned with your values, and who aren’t. Rejection isn’t a dead end. Trust that it’s an opportunity and you’re being re-routed to people who can fully accept and love you. Because those people? They exist. They’re amazing. And you will find them.
THERE ARE TONS OF PROTECTION METHODS & MEDICATIONS AVAILABLE
Having an STI doesn’t mean you can’t have a safe, fulfilling, and enjoyable sex life. In fact, I'd argue it's the opposite! Because there's transparent communication and intentionality, it actually allows for everyone to get their needs met in a way that feels good to everyone. And, there are protection methods people might use like condoms, dental dams, latex undies, finger cots, gloves, pre- and post medications etc to lower the chances of transmission, etc. There are also antiviral and suppressive medications that people may take to lower the chances of experiencing symptoms (as well as chances of transmission). For more information, visit a medical provider.
DISCLOSURES GET EASIER—THEY MAY JUST TAKE SOME PRACTICE
At first, disclosing your status might feel overwhelming or clunky, and that’s okay! It takes time to find the language that feels good to you. Write it out. Practice saying it aloud. Personally, I like to keep it simple: “In [insert year], I was diagnosed with [insert diagnosis]. Do you know what that is?” And then go from there. This then allows for the other person to share what they know and gives me a chance to think about how I’d like to respond. I also find that it can be helpful to about how you’d feel/respond/take care of yourself when met with different answers. Some people’s responses may surprise you. And remember, you get to decide what responses/interactions feel good. You do not have to settle or be the person someone settles for because of your status. You also deserve to be with someone/people who are excited about being intimate with you (however that looks!) For the most part, the more you do it, the easier it gets.
STIS ARE NOT THE END—THEY MAY JUST REQUIRE SOME EXTRA CREATIVITY
Whoever said having an STI is the end of the world—LIED. You can still have an incredible dating life, and yes, an incredible sex life. If anything, it sometimes means you have to communicate more and get a little creative, but that is part of the fun! I love being with partners that ask "show/tell me how you like it" because it gives me a chance to share considerations, boundaries and wants--as well items that'll make me feel comfortable in that moment (whether my latex undies or my vibe). All to say, your STI is as big as you make it; and I guarantee, it's the least interesting thing about you.
