Intimacy after experiencing violence can feel overwhelming, especially when navigating big emotions, thoughts, and decisions. A journey towards healing and redefining one's sense of safety is deeply personal, and there's no single "right" way to move forward. It's about doing what's best for you—honoring your own needs, boundaries, and pace as you rediscover safety, trust and comfort around intimacy, both with ourselves and others. Sometimes, it gets a little messy, bumpy, and non-linear (and that's all okay). Give yourself grace.
IM SORRY THAT HAPPENED
I'm sorry that happened. You didn't deserve that. Or any subsequent rationale or justifications for the interaction. It wasn't your fault. And I know that sentiment can be layered. I wish I had more to offer than a sorry. I wish I could offer accountability and frankly, healing (whatever that means to you).
Sexual assault (SA) is too common in the United States. Last year the CDC declared US sexual violence as a public health crisis. According to the CDC, over half of women will experience sexual violence in their lifetimes, compared to 1 in 3 men. That's an alarming statistic that we should all be concerned about— it's too high. Any number is. Everyone deserves to feel safe and comfortable in their different interactions, and their boundaries, including their "no"s (however that shows up), should always be respected.
YOUR STORY IS YOURS
You get to decide what your path looks like. And that path is determined by you, for you. Yes, something happened to you, but that doesn't define what happens next. It is possible to experience safe and enjoyable intimacy and sex post-trauma. Sometimes, it takes extra time, resources, and care—but that's okay. Maybe you want to pause dating, maybe you want to talk to a counselor, maybe you want to pursue legal action, maybe you want to just write, maybe you want to focus on reconnecting with yourself. You are the author of your own story. You get to decide what happens next.
Also, it can be helpful to think critically around your healing-HOW. Consider finding someone to walk that journey with you. After my second SA, I began to drink more heavily and have more sex. This is not to shame those who engage in substances or those who have increased sex post-trauma (because that was me), but I did face some hard realizations nearly 4 years later. I realized that my coping was hindering my healing. My story is still mine--and I've learned a lot about myself (and my desire for escapism when things are tough); and is exactly why I think its helpful to have that self awareness, and consideration available, sooner.
ALLOW YOUR BIOFEEDBACK TO GUIDE
Think about the types of touch, play, and activities that feel most comfortable to you. Remember, there's no right or wrong answers. Consider the following questions:
Do you want to touch or be touched by another body?
How do you feel about different types of toys and play materials?
What types of sensations feel good and safe to you?
Do you prefer familiarity and consistency, or do you prefer spontaneity?
What positions feel most comfortable to you?
Think about your responses. It’s also important to pay attention to your somatic reactions as you envision these scenarios. Use that biofeedback as a guide for what makes you feel safest. Maybe you want clothes kept on. Maybe you want certain parts of your body not to be touched. Maybe you feel safer using a trusted vibrator because you're familiar with its sensations and settings. You might prefer items like pelvic rocks to help you monitor your breath, or a horsehair brush or pinwheel to explore different sensations. Perhaps a compact mirror helps you reconnect with your body. There are many resources available—and that exploration can sometimes be a helpful tool.
MAYBE YOU WANT TO EXPLORE CNC
The kink scene can be a great model for negotiating and creating scenes that feel good to those involved. For some, those scenes may include consensual non-consensual scenes to help explore what they experienced. It can sometimes be a form of healing for those trying to process and unpack their trauma. There's clear conversation around what's going to happen and not going to happen. People may choose to recreate some or all of their experience, making any adaptions, and can assume any role that feels best to them. And, they can stop or pause at any moment. This path may not be for everyone but has been cathartic for many, especially when it comes to rewiring one's brain and relationship around trauma.
THERE IS NO RIGHT TIMELINE
Move at your own pace. There's no right timeline. No, you're not taking too long. And no, your healing journey shouldn't be faster. You get to implement new forms of sex and intimacy, on your terms when you're ready. Don't feel pressured to engage in certain activities if it doesn't feel right. You can always start with an intimate relationship with yourself: re-exploring the things that you like and don't like. One way to help cultivate somatic body safety is to integrate and model that in our many relationships with ourselves.
Remember, your story is yours and you get to decide what happens next. And the right people will respect, support and understand that.
