The P Blog
This space is to be a bit experimental, unstructured. and insightful. Feel free to peruse, explore and take whatever you may need.
whoever said "HAVING AN STI IS THE END OF THE WORLD” Lied.
No, your dating life is not over. No, your sex life is not over. As someone who has been living with an STI for over 10 years, I promise you—you can still have an INCREDIBLE intimacy life. Whoever said otherwise LIED. The truth is, STIs are manageable, and way more common than people think. STIs Are Super Common—They Happen
In fact, 1 in 2 people who are sexually active will get an STI before the age of 25. Meaning, if you have an STI or get one at some point in your life, you are not alone. They’re common and they happen to people of all genders, backgrounds, races, etc. Plus, having an STI does not reflect someone’s worth, desirability, or ability to have a great relationship. Remember, there are plenty of ways to navigate an STI—medications, open conversations, safer sex practices, etc. And, letting go of shame and guilt (I know, that one is easier said than done). Rejections: Trust the Re-Routes
If someone rejects you because of your STI status, they are not for you. And that’s okay! We don’t want to be with people who are judgmental, shameful, or those who perpetuate stigma. Sometimes, disclosures act as a built-in filter—for identifying which people are aligned with your values, and who aren’t. Rejection isn’t a dead end. Trust that it’s an opportunity and you’re being re-routed to people who can fully accept and love you. Because those people? They exist. They’re amazing. And you will find them. There are tons of Protection Methods & Medications available
Having an STI doesn’t mean you can’t have a safe, fulfilling, and enjoyable sex life. In fact, I'd argue it's the opposite! Because there's transparent communication and intentionality, it actually allows for everyone to get their needs met in a way that feels good to everyone. And, there are protection methods people might use like condoms, dental dams, latex undies, finger cots, gloves, pre- and post medications etc to lower the chances of transmission, etc. There are also antiviral and suppressive medications that people may take to lower the chances of experiencing symptoms (as well as chances of transmission). For more information, visit a medical provider. Disclosures Get Easier—They May just Take Some Practice
At first, disclosing your status might feel overwhelming or clunky, and that’s okay! It takes time to find the language that feels good to you. Write it out. Practice saying it aloud. Personally, I like to keep it simple: “In [insert year], I was diagnosed with [insert diagnosis]. Do you know what that is?” And then go from there. This then allows for the other person to share what they know and gives me a chance to think about how I’d like to respond. I also find that it can be helpful to about how you’d feel/respond/take care of yourself when met with different answers. Some people’s responses may surprise you. And remember, you get to decide what responses/interactions feel good. You do not have to settle or be the person someone settles for because of your status. You also deserve to be with someone/people who are excited about being intimate with you (however that looks!) For the most part, the more you do it, the easier it gets. STIs Are Not the End—They May Just Require Some Extra Creativity
Whoever said having an STI is the end of the world—LIED. You can still have an incredible dating life, and yes, an incredible sex life. If anything, it sometimes means you have to communicate more and get a little creative, but that is part of the fun! I love being with partners that ask "show/tell me how you like it" because it gives me a chance to share considerations, boundaries and wants--as well items that'll make me feel comfortable in that moment (whether my latex undies or my vibe). All to say, your STI is as big as you make it; and I guarantee, it's the least interesting thing about you. break up with them:
if that’s what you want!
Yes, break ups are sometimes difficult, but that’s not always the case! Everyone’s experience is different, and how we feel during and after a breakup can vary widely. Some people may feel hurt, others may experience relief or excitement, and some may feel numb, neutral, or less stressed. Relationships and emotions are complex, and it’s important to recognize that there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to feel.
1) THER’S NO ‘CORRECT’ REASON FOR ENDING A RELATIONSHIP
Sometimes, people feel pressured to have a clear-cut reason for breaking up, but the truth is, there’s no perfect reason. Relationships evolve, and people change. Priorities, values, and emotional needs shift over time (and that’s okay!). What worked at one point might not work later on, and that’s okay. A relationship can end simply because one person’s needs or desires are no longer being met. Whether it’s a change in how you view the relationship, your own personal growth, or a difference in long-term goals, the reason for ending things is always valid. You don’t need a “perfect” explanation to move on.
2) DESPITE WHAT THEY SAY, YOU DO NOT OWE AN EXPLANATION
When a relationship ends, it’s common to feel like you owe an explanation to your past partner—or even to others in your life—about why things didn’t work out. However, you are NOT obligated to provide an explanation to anyone. Breakups are personal, and while some people may choose to share their reasons, they are not required to do so. Sometimes, the reasons for ending a relationship are complex, private, or even too painful to discuss. Some may choose to not share in order to maintain their safety. Prioritize your own emotional well-being and safety over feeling like you need to justify your decision.
3) BREAK UP DON’T HAVE TO BE FACE-TO-FACE
Society often places a lot of importance on having a breakup in person, but this isn’t always necessary or possible. People may choose to end a relationship in whatever way feels most comfortable and respectful to them—whether that's through a text, email, phone call, FaceTime, or in person. In some cases, especially when safety is a concern, people may prefer not to break up face-to-face and instead use a different method to protect their well-being. The key is ensuring that both and/or all parties have the space to process the breakup in their own way. While some might feel a face-to-face conversation is important for closure, others may feel it’s more emotionally manageable and/or safer to avoid direct confrontation. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach. I said what I said.
4) THE NEXT STEPS IS SOMETIMES A SHARED DECISION
Once the relationship is over, the next steps—whether it involves staying friends, cutting contact, or something else completely—should be a mutual decision. If one person wants to stay friends but the other doesn’t feel aligned with that, it’s essential to respect that boundary. The same applies if one person wants to stay in the relationship and the other wants to end it. Anytime one person wants to end a relationship, that is a boundary, and it needs to be respected by everyone involved. You can’t force someone to agree to an arrangement that doesn’t feel right for them. Open communication and mutual respect are key, but ultimately, both and/or all parties need to be on the same page about what comes next. It’s important to give each other space to process and heal, even if that means parting ways completely and/or indefinitely.
5) ENDING A RELATIONSHIP DOESN’T MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON
One of the most important things to remember is that breaking up doesn’t make you selfish, careless, or a bad person (though some folks may say otherwise; ignore them!). Sometimes, staying in a relationship out of guilt or fear of hurting the other person is more damaging than being honest about where you stand. You have the right to set boundaries and make decisions that align with your goals and well-being, even if others don’t agree. Ending a relationship can be an act of honesty, self-respect, and kindness. You’re not doing anything wrong by choosing a path that makes sense for you, even if it’s challenging.
If you're moving through a breakup and looking for support, consider: reaching out to your support systems, journaling, moving, prioritizing your pleasure and wellness, and/or seeking counseling and therapy. Breakups can be difficult, but they can also make room for new beginnings. Remember, you are capable of navigating hard moments and embracing change. It’s also important to recognize that even though the relationship has ended, we can still care for others, and others can still care for us. Connection and compassion don’t have to be confined to a relationship label. People can show up for each other, support one another, and share love and care in different, meaningful ways.
wait, have you heard?
US v. SKYRMetti
The US v. Skyrmetti Case: A Defining Moment for Trans Youth Rights and Healthcare
The US v. Skyrmetti case is a landmark legal battle that could shape the future of trans youth rights and access to gender-affirming healthcare in the United States. At the heart of the case is a direct challenge to Tennessee’s law banning gender-affirming care for trans minors, a move that could set a dangerous precedent for other states. As this case progresses, it’s critical for us to understand its broader implications—not just for trans youth in Tennessee, but for the entire LGBTQ+ community. Here's why the outcome of this case matters and how it could change the landscape of trans youth rights and healthcare.
1. A Direct Challenge to Tennessee's Law Banning Gender-Affirming Care for Trans Youth
The US v. Skyrmetti case directly challenges Tennessee’s law that bans gender-affirming medical care for trans youth, while cisgender youth continue to have access to the same treatments. This discriminatory law places trans youth in a separate category, denying them the healthcare they need and deserve. By denying trans youth access to life-saving, medically necessary care, Tennessee’s law creates a dangerous precedent that threatens the health and well-being of our trans youth, an already vulnerable population. The outcome of this case could determine whether such laws can stand, and whether trans youth across the nation will continue to face this kind of legal discrimination.
2. Trans Attorney Chase Strangio Leads the Charge
Leading the legal battle against this law is Chase Strangio, a renowned trans attorney and the Co-Director of the ACLU’s LGBTQ+ & HIV Rights Project. Strangio, who made history as the first trans attorney to present before the Supreme Court in a landmark case, is defending three trans adolescents, their parents, and a Tennessee doctor who are directly impacted by the state’s ban on gender-affirming care. Strangio’s groundbreaking role in this case is a testament to his deep commitment to trans rights and his legal expertise. His involvement is crucial not only in challenging these laws but in ensuring that trans youth have the support and access to care they deserve.
3. The Constitutional Fight for Equal Treatment and Access to Care
Strangio plans to argue that Tennessee’s ban on gender-affirming medical care violates the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment, which guarantees that no state shall deny any person within its jurisdiction equal protection under the law. By restricting access to gender-affirming care for trans youth while allowing cisgender youth to receive similar treatments, Tennessee’s law creates an unjust legal distinction that deprives trans youth of equal rights. Strangio and the ACLU assert that this law violates trans youth's constitutional rights to healthcare, equality, and dignity. The argument is clear: healthcare is a right, not a privilege, and every young person deserves equal access to the care they need to thrive.
4. Why the Oral Arguments Matter—and Why We Must Pay Attention
The oral arguments in this case are crucial for understanding how the courts will approach similar challenges in the future. While we may not get a final decision immediately, the arguments made in court will provide important insights into how the judiciary interprets the rights of trans youth. The case’s outcome could have far-reaching implications for the future of trans rights and gender-affirming healthcare across the country. This case also comes at a time when the political landscape is shifting, and it’s cases like this that will shape how lawmakers and judges address issues of gender identity, healthcare, and equal treatment in the years to come.
5. The Bigger Picture: Consent, Autonomy, and the Future of Trans Youth
Beyond the legal questions, US v. Skyrmetti is about consent and autonomy. This case addresses fundamental issues about who has the right to make decisions about a minor’s healthcare—especially when it comes to gender-affirming care. For trans youth, these decisions are not just about medical treatment but about affirming their identities and ensuring their well-being. By challenging Tennessee’s ban, Strangio and the ACLU are fighting for the right of trans youth and their families to make informed medical decisions without interference from the state. The case also raises important questions about how we protect the autonomy and agency of young people, especially those in marginalized communities.
The US v. Skyrmetti case is a pivotal moment in the fight for trans rights and healthcare access. Its outcome will determine how courts address the rights of trans youth to receive gender-affirming care and whether similar laws can be enacted in other states. This case is not just about healthcare—it’s about ensuring that trans youth have the right to live authentically and safely, access necessary care, and be treated with care, compassion and respect. As the case unfolds, we must remain informed, engaged, and committed to protecting and affirming the rights of trans youth. By any means necessary.
25th anniversary:
trans day of remembrance (TDOR)
Reflecting on 25 Years of Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR)
November 20th, 2024, marks the 25th anniversary of Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR), a day to honor the lives of transgender and gender-expansive individuals lost to different forms of violence. This year, TDOR is especially urgent. The ACLU has tracked 558 anti-LGBTQ+ bills introduced across the United States in 2024 alone, the majority of which specifically target trans and gender-expansive people. As we remember those we’ve lost, we are reminded that the fight for trans rights, safety and liberation is far from over. TDOR is not just a day of remembrance—it’s a call to action to confront violence (and its justifications) in all its forms, whether physical, legislative, cultural or societal.
1) a time to Honor Those Lost to Anti-Trans Violence
TDOR is a moment to honor the lives lost to anti-trans violence. Yes, this includes physical violence, but also the broader systemic violence that trans and gender-expansive people face, such as discrimination, marginalization, and erasure through discriminatory legislation, miseducation and hateful rhetoric . TDOR is a day to pause, reflect, and to honor those who are no longer with us, —AND to disrupt the VERY real threats trans and gender expansive communities face every day.
2) Founded in 1999 by Gwendolyn Ann Smith as a Vigil to Honor Black Trans Women
In 1999, TDOR was founded by Gwendolyn Ann Smith following the brutal murders of two Black trans femmes, Rita Hester and Chanelle Pickett. This vigil was not only a moment of mourning, but a declaration that trans lives matter and are deserving of care, compassion and safety. Gwendolyn has often said that when people are trying to erase trans people—sometimes in the most brutal and dehumanizing ways—it is our responsibility to remember them. TDOR continues to carry this message forward, reminding us that visibility and remembrance are acts of resistance.
3) Interrupting Anti-Trans Violence Means More Than Just Addressing Physical Harm
While TDOR centers on remembering those who have been lost to violent acts, it's crucial to think critically about how we, especially those with cis-identities, can address the many forms and iterations of anti-trans violence. Yes, interrupting physical violence is essential, but anti-trans harm is also carried out through our everyday policies, education and rhetoric. Pushing back against bans on LGBTQ+ studies, saying "yes" to trans-affirming sex education, and advocating for access to gender-affirming healthcare are all acts of resistance against anti-trans state sanctioned violence. Each of us has a responsibility in ensuring that anti-trans rhetoric, laws, and attitudes do not go unchecked; because our trans fam deserve to thrive in their bodies, relationships and communities.
4) The Statistics Are Alarming
According to the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), the impact of anti-trans violence is disproportionately felt by Black and Brown trans communities. In 2024, statistics showed that 77% of the victims were people of color, with 53% of them being Black trans women. 60% were killed by a gun, and 40% were misgendered or deadnamed by authorities and the press. In addition, 39% were killed by someone they knew—whether a romantic or sexual partner, a friend, or even a family member. These statistics are both devastating and emphasize the need for dismantling and interrupting all forms of transmisia and anti-trans violence—every.single.time.
5) Trans and Gender-Expansive Communities Have Rich, Celebrated Histories and Legacies
While TDOR is a a day of mourning, it’s also important to recognize that trans and gender-expansive people have always existed and in fact, were celebrated and revered in many cultures and communities. Trans and gender expansive communities offer a rich and deep history rooted in care, resilience and expansion. From the Muxes in Mexico to the Enarei in parts of Central Asia to the Chibados in Angola to the Mahu in Hawaii—trans communities have always been at the forefront of pushing for safety, equity and justice. As we mourn those lost, we must also remember to give folks their flowers while they are here.
TDOR serves as both a reminder and a rallying cry. As we remember those lost to anti-trans violence, including Marsha P. Johnson and Rita Hester, we must also commit to disrupting ongoing acts violence often perpetuated and/or justified through miseducation, discriminatory laws, and misinformed rhetoric. This includes supporting gender-affirming healthcare, advocating for trans-affirming education, and ensuring that trans voices are centered in all movements for justice.
To my trans fam and neighbors, I love you. Through and through.
To all of us, no one is free, until all of us are free.
YOUR BODY COUNT IS YOUR BUSINESS:
and you decide what to do with it.
When it comes to relationships, sex, and intimacy, one topic that often gets a lot of attention is the concept of "body count." Body count refers to the number of sexual partners a person has had. Society often places an unnecessary amount of weight on this number, but there are many things I wish I knew sooner about body counts that could have made me approach the subject with more understanding, compassion, and freedom. Here are five key lessons:
1) People Can Decide If/Who to Share Their Body Counts With
The idea that everyone should openly discuss their body count is a societal expectation that isn't always necessary. People should have the freedom to decide if and when they want to share this personal detail with others, or if they want to share it at all. It’s important to recognize that body count is private information and no one owes it to anyone. Deciding not to share doesn’t make anyone dishonest or evasive. Your body count is yours to disclose—if, when, and how you feel comfortable.
2) Some People’s Body Counts Aren’t Their Decision Because of Sexual Assault, Coercion, or Manipulation
We can’t forget that, for many people, their experiences with intimacy may not have been by choice. Sexual assault, coercion, or manipulation can drastically affect someone’s body count and how they view their sexual history. It's crucial to approach discussions about body count with empathy, understanding that for some, their past may be marked by traumatic experiences. These are not choices, and no one should ever be judged or shamed for things beyond their control.
3) Someone’s Body Count Doesn’t Determine Their Value, Worth, or Health
The number of sexual partners someone has had does not define their worth, health, or moral character. Yet, it’s a stereotype that gets perpetuated. People often associate a higher body count with promiscuity or poor choices, while a lower body count is unfairly tied to purity or higher moral standards. This is an outdated and harmful belief. People are multifaceted and complex, and judging their value based on their body count completely disregards who they are as a person. Health is about consent, safety, and communication—not the number of partners someone has had.
4) It’s Not Okay to Judge Someone for Their Body Count
Judging someone for their body count is unfair, unkind, and unhelpful. Body count isn’t a measure of a person’s character, nor is it anyone else’s business unless they choose to share it. There are countless reasons why someone might have a certain number of sexual experiences—values, curiosity, circumstances, or just a desire for connection. The way we judge people based on their experiences is often influenced by societal pressures and double standards. We should aim to lift each other up rather than criticize others based on something so personal.
5) Body Counts Are Subjective—What's "High" or "Low" Is Up to the Individual
At the end of the day, what is considered a "high" or "low" body count is subjective. There is no universal standard for what’s acceptable, and it varies based on personal beliefs, cultural values, and even location. Some might think a body count of five is high, while others may consider 50 to be low. Ultimately, the number itself doesn’t matter—what matters is how a person feels about their experiences and how they approach their intimate relationships. People don’t have to share their body count unless they want to, and even then, it’s up to their discretion. Do you, boo—whatever that means to you!
who says periods have to be spooky?
(Halloween edition)
Whether you're in a relationship or flying solo, your period doesn't have to be a reason to avoid intimacy, pleasure, or even sex. With that, let's clear up some common myths and highlight why periods and intimacy can totally coexist, without the need for any haunted house vibes.
1. There’s Nothing Wrong or Harmful About Intimacy on Your Period (As Long As Everyone’s Comfortable!)
The number one rule? Consent and comfort first! Just like any other time, being intimate while on your period is all about checking in with yourself and your partner(s). If you feel good, and everyone involved is on the same page, then there’s no reason to avoid it just because someone is menstruating. Contrary to outdated myths, there’s no harm in having sex while on your period (though pregnancy and STI transmission is still a possibility!). The main thing is to be considerate of everyone’s comfort levels. Some folks may be more into the idea, others may prefer to skip it—but no one should feel pressured or judged for their personal preference. Communication is key!
2. Period Sex Can Be About More Than Just the Physical—It Can Be a Way to Feel Cared For
Period sex isn't just about getting experiencing that O—it can actually be a deep and compassionate experience. Many people find that intimacy during menstruation helps them feel more emotionally supported and cared for. It can be a great way to connect, release tension, or simply feel closer to your partner. Some folks also turn to period sex for other reasons too, including: it can help ease cramps, relax the body, and promote better sleep. Who knows, period intimacy might just be the ultimate self-care ritual you've been missing out on!
3. Get Creative with Comfort: There’s a Whole Toolbox of Options to Make Things Easier
If you're worried about mess or discomfort, no problem—there’s an abundance of tools out there designed to make cycle sex more comfortable for everyone involved. You can use tampons, menstrual cups, condoms or even Lorals dental dam underwear for extra protection and/or comfort. Some may choose to use items like a towel to keeps things less messy! There are plenty of options to choose from, so you can tailor the experience to what feels best for you and your partner(s).
4. Bodies Will Body—And That’s 100% OK
Bodies are unpredictable, and during your period, things can sometimes feel a little different. You might notice changes in smell, taste, or even the texture of (certain fluids) in your body—and that’s totally normal! It’s also important to remember that your body is yours and deserves no judgment, whether you’re on your period or not. Embrace (and maybe learn about) those changes rather than shying away from them. Maybe you'll notice that certain touches feel better or that you're more sensitive during your cycle—and that’s all part of the experience. No one should ever make you feel bad about how your body works. Whether it’s the sweet scent of fresh blood or the intensity of your cramp-relief orgasm, these moments are part of the beautiful, unique experience that is you.
5. You Get to Decide What Feels Best to You!
Curiosity is totally natural. Maybe you’re reading this thinking, “I’ve never tried sex on my period, but I’m curious.” Or perhaps you’ve given it a shot, and it wasn’t your thing. That’s 100% OK! What matters is that you get to make the call. Everyone’s body is different, and your preferences are yours alone. There’s no shame in enjoying or avoiding period intimacy—it’s all about what feels best for you. There’s no right or wrong, only what makes you feel celebrated, comfortable, and satisfied.
So let’s ditch the horror stories and embrace our periods for what they are: part of a natural, powerful cycle that shouldn’t be shrouded in fear or shame. Instead, let’s celebrate the full-bodied, confident, and enthusiastic “yes!” moments that come from embracing our bodies exactly as they are—periods and all.
This Halloween, let’s take the "scary" out of periods and make them part of the magic of being human. After all, there’s nothing more powerful than feeling good in your skin—and that includes every cycle, every moment, and every body. 🖤
Here’s to no fear, no shame, and a whole lot of fun this halloween—whatever that looks like for you!
RELATIONSHIP DESIGN BEYOND COMPULSORY HETERONORMATIVITY AND MONOGAMY
I’m excited to share that I’ve submitted my final book chapter draft titled "Redefining Intimacy: Relationship Design beyond Compulsory Heteronormativity and Monogamy." This chapter dives deep into the complexities of intimacy and the myriad ways we can structure our relationships to better suit our needs.
1. Diverse Needs, Diverse Paths
People have different ways of getting their needs met. While some individuals may seek a single partner to fulfill all their emotional, romantic, and sexual needs, others might thrive in dating and/or engaging with multiple people to satisfy different aspects of their lives. Embracing this diversity can lead to more authentic connections. And most importantly, people can decide what’s best for them.
2. Evolving Relationship Structures
Relationship styles aren’t static; they often evolve based on who we’re dating, our life circumstances, and the nature of our relationships and connections. What works in one relationship may not fit another, and that’s perfectly okay! Recognizing and adapting to these changes can support fostering deeper intimacy and pleasure within our relationships.
3. Choosing Intimacy
For some, intimacy is exclusive to their romantic or sexual relationships; while for others, it’s not. Some people find deep connection and emotional closeness in other connections, including their platonic friendships. Intimacy and care manifest in various forms and settings and that is something to be celebrated. We get to decide where to foster more closeness; there is no right or wrong way.
4. No Right Way to Sequence Relationships
There’s no prescribed order for exploring intimacy and relationships. Some may feel comfortable exploring sex and intimacy before entering a romantic relationship, while others prefer to establish a relationship first. Both and/or all paths are valid, and it’s important that we honor our feelings and preferences without shame or judgement.
5. CO-CREATING RELATIONSHIPS
Most important, we have the agency to co-create and design our relationships. Each of us deserves relationships that affirm our identities and meet our varying needs (in whatever form(s) that takes!).
In my book chapter, I examine these nuances and explore how we can challenge traditional norms surrounding intimacy and relationships, especially in light of compulsory heteronormativity and monogamy.
Book Release Date: Coming Soon!
COMING OUT DAY: THIS DAY IS YOURS!
October 11 is Coming Out Day; which can bring up different feelings for different people. For some, it is a day of nostalgia and excitement. For others, it’s a day of discomfort and overwhelm. For many, it’s a reminder of who they hope to be. There’s no right way to engage with Coming Out Day. Everyone gets to decide what is best for them.
1. It is a personal choice and decision
Some people come out and some people don’t. Everyone gets to assess their own relationships and situations to determine whether or not to share that personal information with someone else. Some people prefer to keep that information to themselves and that’s valid and okay! Plus, why do we expect people of some genders and sexualities to “out” themselves and not others? It’s a personal decision everyone gets to make for themselves.
2. people come out multiple times in their lives
Yes, it is common for people to come out more than once in their lives. And, this happens for lots of different reasons! As we gain new experiences and are introduced to new language, we may identify new labels and descriptors that better affirm our experiences and describe who we are. Come out as many times as you want/need!
3. trust yourself: you decide what is best for you
You get to determine your comfort and safety. There may be times where people try to guilt or shame you into making decisions that don’t feel good to you. Let that go. You get to decide WHO you want to share with and on your own timing. Coming Out is your story; and certainly not about people pleasing. If sharing who you are is going to compromise your safety, make the decisions and choices you need. If sharing you are is going to compromise your wellness, shelter, access to resources, etc —people can decide what information they want to share with others.
4. You get to decide your “how”!
Yes, people get to decide HOW they want to come out, if at all. Some folks may choose to have a face-t0-face conversation, a phone conversation, maybe a text exchange— or if you’re like me, maybe you’ll send an email. We all have different comfort levels and boundaries; and should be able to communicate in whatever ways feels most affirming to them. There is no right way to come out and everyone gets to design their experience for themselves.
5. our ancestors would be proud
They are proud. From Marsha P. Johnson to Miss Major to Audre Lorde to James Baldwin. They are so proud to witness you and to know you. These are my loves; who I firmly believe love and guide us. Remember: learning about who we are is something to celebrate and to honor. Gaining new insights into our loves, relationships with others and sense of self is something to cherish. Thank you for exploring and welcome to the family.
Navigating One-Night Stands: 5 Essential Tips for Safer Intimacy
One-night stands can be exciting and liberating, but they also come with their own set of considerations. Whether you’re diving into a spontaneous encounter or exploring new connections, prioritizing safety and communication is essential. Here are five key considerations to help make those nights safer and more enjoyable.
1. Tell Someone
Before you head out for the night, let someone know your plans. Whether it’s a roommate, a close friend, or even a family member, informing someone that you’re not planning on coming home is crucial for your safety. This way, someone will know when to expect you back. Additionally, keep your phone charged and consider sharing your location with a trusted person. These simple steps can provide peace of mind for both you and those who care about you.
2. Be Prepared and Aware
Preparation is key, but awareness is equally important when engaging in one-night stands. Gather protection methods such as condoms, dental dams, and gloves to ensure a safer experience. Beyond physical protection, be vigilant about your surroundings. Watch your drinks closely—never leave them unattended, and avoid accepting beverages from strangers or people you don’t trust. If substances are offered, be cautious and don’t take anything from someone you don’t know well. Staying aware helps create a safer environment for you and your partner.
3. Think About Your Boundaries
Before getting into the heat of the moment, take time to reflect on your boundaries. What types of touch are you comfortable with? What might be off-limits? Clearly articulating these boundaries can enhance communication and foster mutual respect. Practicing what you might say in advance can help you feel more confident when the situation arises.
4. Discuss STI Statuses
Talking about STI statuses is an important part of ensuring everyone’s health and safety. “When was your last STI test? Have you ever tested positive for an STI?” While this conversation might feel awkward, it’s crucial for making informed decisions. Remember, intimacy is possible even if one partner is living with a viral STI—what matters is open communication and mutual consent.
5. Enjoy It!
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, embrace the joy of your one-night stand without the burden of societal shame or stigma. Everyone deserves to experience pleasure, whether through casual encounters or deeper connections. Release any inhibitions and allow yourself to fully engage with your desires. Prioritize consent and remember that intimacy, even in a fleeting moment, can be meaningful and fulfilling.
By considering these five aspects, you can create a safer and more enjoyable environment for one-night stands. It’s all about communication, respect, and the freedom to embrace your experiences without judgment. So go ahead and celebrate your choices—you deserve it!
we are our most favorite and favored lovers
There's often unnecessary shame and stigma around solo play and intimacy when really, it can be an opportunity to be curious, (un)learn and discover what makes us feel good; by exploring what we like as well as our boundaries. We have a responsibility to challenge the harmful rhetoric and narratives around solo play; when frankly, it's a tactic of safety, harm reduction, and body affirmation. Below are 5 things I wish I knew sooner about solo play and intimacy:
1. Explore your Personal Preferences
One of the most significant aspects of solo intimacy is the chance to learn sensations and experiences truly bring us pleasure. When individuals engage in this practice, they have the freedom to explore their likes and dislikes without any external influence. This exploration not only enhances their understanding of their bodies but also supports them to reflect upon personal boundaries. By engaging in solo intimacy, one can identify what feels good (as well as what doesn’t) in order to foster more feel-good experiences with ourselves and others.
2. There’s no “right” way! You decide what is best for you.
Solo intimacy looks many different ways— and comes in countless forms; and that’s okay! In fact, that’s to be celebrated. We all have different identities, experience, abilities, bodies, and traumas that all inform our ability to access identity-affirming intimacy and safety. Some may choose to use their hands, other body parts, body items/toys, or even their mind. People get to decide what feels best to them. Remember: Be open to exploring! Finding what resonates can be a playful and fulfilling experience, broadening one’s understanding of pleasure and simply feeling good.
3. Health Benefits Galore
Beyond the joys of self-exploration, solo intimacy offers a myriad of health benefits. It can significantly reduce stress and alleviate menstrual cramps (and some even say, pregnancy contractions), making it a option for natural remedy. Additionally, engaging in self-pleasure can enhance sleep quality by promoting relaxation and easing tension. Recognizing these benefits transforms solo intimacy from mere pleasure into a holistic and deliberate approach to well-being.
4. Release Performance Pressure Expectations
One of the most liberating aspects of solo intimacy is the absence of pressure to perform. When individuals are alone, the focus often shifts almost entirely to their own pleasure and fantasies. This freedom allows for a deep immersion into imagination, creating an intimate experience tailored to personal desires. Without the expectations that often accompany partnered experiences, one can truly explore fantasies without inhibition, fostering a deeper connection to their own body.
5. Pleasure can come from others, but it can also come from ourselves
Finally, as Joel Leon beautifully reminds us, "[we] are our most favorite and favored lovers." While seeking pleasure from others is wonderful, it’s equally important to cultivate pleasure with oneself. Some people enjoy solo play and intimacy, and some don’t. Everyone gets to explore and experience “feeling good” in whatever form that takes. Here’s to that full bodied ‘yesssssss’!
Introducing The P Word LLC: A New Vision for Pleasure, Love, and Liberation
We are thrilled to announce the launch of The P Word LLC, an organization dedicated to celebrating and uplifting the identities and experiences of queer and trans folks of color. At The P Word, our mission centers on providing transformative Love, Intimacy, Pleasure, and Sex (LIPS) Education through a community-informed, intersectional, justice-forward, and pleasure-oriented lens. Inspired by the wisdom of Audre Lorde, we reject oppression, self-doubt, and harm, and instead, embrace the notion that everyone deserves a life enriched with pleasure, safety, and deep community connection. Through our innovative educational approach, we aim to empower individuals to make the most informed decisions about their own lives and relationships.Our vision is to reimagine communities where the identities, bodies, and experiences of QTPOC (queer and trans people of color) are not only celebrated but revered as central to pleasure, love, and liberation. We dream of a future where every community member possesses the confidence, tools, and insights needed to infuse their lives and interactions with a sense of pleasure and well-being. By offering intersectional, justice-forward education and advocacy, we are committed to dismantling systems of organized state violence and creating spaces where a full-bodied "yesss" in all its forms is not just a possibility but a cherished reality.At The P Word LLC, we understand that true transformation comes from acknowledging and celebrating the diverse aspects of our identities and experiences. Our comprehensive educational programs are designed to address both the comfortable and challenging dimensions of our lives, fostering a deeper understanding of ourselves and each other. By engaging with these multifaceted perspectives, we aim to create a more expansive and affirming environment where pleasure and safety are integral to our collective experience.As we embark on this journey, our commitment to disrupting systems of violence and promoting compassion is unwavering. We believe that by redefining pleasure, love, and community connection, we can pave the way for a more liberated and inclusive society. Our approach is rooted in the belief that pleasure and well-being are not only achievable but essential for all, and we are dedicated to making these values a reality through our work and advocacy.Join us in celebrating the launch of The P Word LLC and becoming part of a movement that prioritizes pleasure, safety, and community connection for all. Together, we will create a world where QTPOC identities are honored and where the full range of human experiences is embraced and celebrated. Stay connected with us for updates on our programs, events, and initiatives as we work toward a future where everyone can experience their own full-bodied "yesss."
Palestinian liberation is reproductive justice
For my friends, neighbors and community working within Reproductive Justice–
What happens (and what has been happening) in Palestine and Gaza directly impacts us, our work and our communities.
Our grief, trauma and loss is collective.
Our grief, trauma and loss is shared.
Palestinian Liberation is a necessary part of Reproductive Justice.
“SisterSong defines Reproductive Justice as the human right to maintain personal bodily autonomy, have children, not have children, and parent the children we have in safe and sustainable communities.”
We recognize that families are unable to maintain personal bodily autonomy, self-determination and/or raise their children and loved ones in safe and sustainable communities amidst displacement, airstrikes, military occupation, ongoing colonization, imperialism, lack of food, water, electricity, aid, medical supplies–and genocide.
We do not get to look away from the undeniable and reckless mass-slaughter of Palestinian Peoples at the hands of the Israeli government--funded, backed and fueled by the US government. Since October 7th alone, we’ve lost over 18,000 Palestinian relatives with over 6,000 being our children. We've also born witness to the following:
- Our kids hosting press conferences in their second language pleading with the world
- To simply live like other kids get to live
- Parents forced to give birth without medical staff, anesthesia, aid or supplies
- Parents giving birth in over-crowded schools, shelters, surrounded by rubble, amidst bomb strikes
- Babies in NICUs left to decompose and decay
- Parents and families forced to leave their newborns without a proper goodbye
- Little to no access to menstrual products and care
- Forced Separation and displacement from one's land and families
- Rates of health infections climbing and increasing
- Basics needed for survival like food, water, electricity and shelter are unavailable/inaccessible
- Families and neighbors searching for one another beneath the rubble, amidst the airstrikes
- Families burying their own children, parents, and grandparents
As folks working in Reproductive Justice (and especially those of us in RJ education), we do not get to look away from this genocide. "It's a season of unmasking, of veils lifted. We are seeing our collective soul with a clarity that is disorienting."
- Cole Arthur Riley
These are our relatives. Our kids. Our communities who are being martyred.
We do not get to look away. We have a responsibility to actively bear witness and to hear their cries.
Palestinian Liberation concerns and impacts all of us.
Those of us who work in Reproductive Justice, we know that our struggles are interconnected.
We know that our communities, especially our youth, deserve the right to choice, self-determination and bodily autonomy.
We know that our neighbors and relatives, both here in the US and globally, deserve to LIVE (in safe and sustainable communities).
We denounce colonization, imperialism and genocide in all forms, against all peoples, across all lands.
We also support oppressed peoples' right to self-determine and resist against their oppressors.
In any way they see fit. And by any means necessary.
We firmly denounce the actions of the US government and the Israeli Government.
We demand for an immediate ceasefire.
From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free. From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free. From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free.sex down south 2023
SDS 2023, you owe me nothing! This was my first time attending SDS --both as an attendee and an Event Manager! Attending SDS felt like being introduced to a whole new world. A world that welcomes pleasure and play. A world that encourages curiosity and discovery. A world that celebrates kink and sex-positivity. A world that unapologetically LOVES Black queer bodies. All of which was exactly what I needed.
Let me tell you, there were workshops for everyone! Some that caught my eye were:
*How to ride & be on top
*How to overcome fears with dirty talk
*Vulva show-and-tell
*How to select your perfect vibrator
*How to be an intentional domme
...and SO MUCH more.
Despite this being my first time, I was both in awe and yet, felt so at home. The theme this year was around Body Love. For me, this meant loving your body in all its forms. Loving your body when on top. Loving your body when in lingerie. Loving your body when sharing with another. Loving your body in how you talk to self. Loving your body in how you express yourself. Loving your body and not being afraid to be seen. I am so grateful to have been able to love on and to be loved on by so many beautiful bodies.
SDS is rooted in yes, play but also healing. There were also a variety of healing spaces (at least 3 different rooms) away from the main workshops and vendor lair-- full of massages, reiki, cuddle corners, nap spaces, shibari play and more. If someone was feeling activated, they had the options to go rest, get loved on, color, sleep, cuddled on and more. Did I take an entire full-bodied nap in the middle of the Emerald Sanctuary? We were working 18-20 hour days...you already know.
If someone wanted to lean into play, another form of healing I'd argue--they could explore the dungeon/labyrinth ran by Ms. K. The dungeon came with clear rules in place to make sure everyone was safe and comfortable. Surprised feels like a bit of an understatement but I was ...(pleasantly) surprised. The closeness. The intimacy. The willingness to connect and share bodies. This was one of the first times I've seen people willing to lean into play, unapologetically and so openly. Willing to communicate what pleasure looks like for them in that moment. To be in a space where all sensations of feeling good were celebrated, by those experiencing it and those witnessing that. This last week made me realize that there are like-minded people and communities who support the exploration of pleasure and truly relish in owning and claiming their pleasure. We really can have sacred spaces where we love ourselves and each other aloud.
Also, shout-out to ALL of the play and games that happened in the labyrinth. Y'all had to be there. Everything from a strap-a-thon, to Kinky Olympics... and so much more. And this is on top of the night meet ups, performances happening at the Little and Big Bang and of course at the after-after parties. One thing SDS knows how to do... is PARTY. We are here for both a good time---and hopefully a long time!
Thank you SDS for encouraging me to lean into my pleasure for the first time in a long while. I was immediately drawn to the wish board--where folks can write a wish and someone might help make it come true. I wrote 3 wishes; and lucky me, all 3 came true. I learned so much about myself at SDS, both personally and professionally-- I am so SO grateful to Co-Founders Marla and Tia for trusting me and bringing me onto the team. And huge thank you to my other half, Jaya -- I wouldn't want to event manage with anyone else! SDS is a black-femme led conference that truly celebrates pleasure, play, kink and learning. As a Black Queer Femme and Sex Ed Teacher, I've been to MANY conferences and I've never been to one like this. SDS is sacred. And is truly a gem.
This conference has something for everyone. I've already got my dates blocked for SDS24-- YEAR 10. Do you?Lorals: Oral made easier
Introducing Lorals! If you’ve ever seen, used or heard of a dental dam—you might have an idea, that they might not always be the most convenient. Dental Dams are sheer, rectangular pieces of latex that someone could place and hold over the vulva or the anus and perform oral or mouth sex in order to have protection against STIs (because there is no skin to skin or genital to genital contact). And though dental dams continue to be an option but now, we have Lorals underwear--who has styles that are intended for pleasure; as well as a style that is FDA approved to protect against STIs! Lorals is underwear that is made of the same latex-dental dam material. People can now wear Lorals and recieve that mouth or oral sex without having to hold it in place. For some people, Lorals allows for more finger freedom and exploration. Lorals comes in the "Bikini" and "Shortie" styles and currently comes in two colors: Black-Opaque and Peach/Sheer. Further, "Lorals [currently] fit US sizes 0-20 (with a minimum waist or hip size of 26” and a maximum waist or hip size of 51”). On people in larger bodies, Lorals may stretch to be a bit more cheeky and have thinner waistbands." This might be worth considering as folks explore this protection method.
Some folks might like to use Lorals because it helps them experience more gender euphoria and confidence. Some folks might like to use Lorals if concerned about texture, fluids and/or smells. Note: When using Lorals, you might notice a subtle scent of of vanilla. Some people enjoy this while others don't. Definitely explore. This just another option to add to our toolbox! With 4 Lorals to a $25 pack, give them a try! I can tell you, I personally was not disappointed. Definitely check out mylorals.com to learn more about the options available. charley: the new abortion care app
Have you heard of Charley? With the June 2022 Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization decision striking down the nationwide right to abortion caused many health centers to close and therefore forcing abortion seekers to travel out of state or seek out abortion pills and/or services online.
Released September 2023, Charley the chatbot, connects community members with reliable organizations that can help people in every zip code understand their abortion care options. Charley is a private and secure chatbot that provides users with personalized abortion options, including information about different abortion care methods, nearby clinics, accessing abortion pills, and referrals to support services. It's a user-friendly, judgment-free, and confidential tool designed by abortion experts for abortion seekers. This chatbot inevitably makes health care more accessible as navigating abortion care options online can be both daunting and intimidating; especially as pregnancy crisis centers — which often promote parenting or adoption options and often "disguise" themselves as clinics — attempt to dissuade community members from receiving the medical care they are seeking, wanting and deserving.
According to Charley, "the information provided by Charley, including facts and statistics, has been screened by medical and legal experts, and the partners and directories it links to are all trusted reproductive justice and abortion advocacy organizations." Charley pulls the latest information on state abortion restrictions, nearby clinics, and abortion pill options from a variety of trusted databases. All of the information Charley shares has been vetted by experienced reproductive health experts, doctors, and lawyers to ensure accuracy.
Recognizing that data tracking and privacy are a priority (and sometimes even a potential barrier) for abortion seekers, Charley never asks for identifiable information such as name, phone number, address age, and does not share data with third parties. All information provided to Charley gets deleted from the system. However, the chatbot does store someone's IP address, which is traceable to someone's general location, and chat history for a limited time (prior to being encrypted and then deleted). While users should feel safe using Charley to do research and get more information about their options, it is encouraged that users practice private browsing habits by removing the page from their browser history or using “incognito” mode--just in case. Charley is committed to ensuring that all abortion seekers—especially those in states with restrictions on abortion—can easily find and privately access medically accurate information about their abortion care options; because everyone, no matter where they live or how far along they are, should be able to make the decision that is best for them. Queer sex ed is harm reduction
Content Warning: Some folks might find some of the content below disturbing and/or uncomfortable. Please take care of yourself.
In 2023 alone, there have been over 496+ anti-trans LGBTQ+ bills with the majority targeting trans and gender expansive individuals–in terms of restrictions of gender affirming care, lack of autonomy when it comes to name changes, participation on/in sports teams, sorority houses and more.
These acts of legislation are acts of violence, especially when they are backed by people whose intention and motive is to eradicate certain communities. It is also important to keep in mind that placing “hate” and limitations/restrictions of bodily autonomy into law gives permission and justification for acts violence to be inflicted against these communities.
We can see the real-time effects and implications of this anti-LGBTQ rhetoric. This year, Koko Da Doll, from Kokomo City, was murdered at the age of 35 after being featured in a documentary showcasing the lives and experiences of Black Trans Sex Workers. And she is one of many Black trans folks, particularly Black trans women and femmes, who’ve been targeted and fatally shot or killed because of their identity. The rates and statistics are often higher than the ones presented because the cases are either misrepresented or go overlooked–especially when the target and victim is trans and/or queer person of color.
Since June, there has been a quote floating around on varying social media platforms that reads, “for pride month this year, can straight people focus less on ‘love is love’ and more on ‘queer and trans people are in danger.’” Yes, it is important to acknowledge love is love as it relates to our trans and queer community–but we need to go a step further and address that trans and queer people are not safe and are inherently under attack. And it is clear that trans and gender expansive folks are the front-facing targets–whether through physical acts of violence, restrictions on what someone can do with their body, denial of bathroom preference, denial of a sport’s team preference, restrictions and limitations on drag performers and shows and more.
In a country that justifies the dehumanization and eradication of certain groups of people, we need to think about how we can love our trans and queer community through tangible safety and protection because unfortunately, we see that love doesn’t always keep our communities safe. On June 6, 2023, the Human Rights Campaign issued a National State of Emergency for LGBTQ+ people in the US. It reads:
"LGBTQ+ Americans are living in a state of emergency. The multiplying threats facing millions in our community are not just perceived — they are real, tangible and dangerous. In many cases they are resulting in violence against LGBTQ+ people, forcing families to uproot their lives and flee their homes in search of safer states, and triggering a tidal wave of increased homophobia and transphobia that puts the safety of each and every one of us at risk. There is an imminent threat to the health and safety of millions of LGBTQ+ people and families, who are living every day in uncertainty and fear. It’s also incumbent on our allies across the country to stand with us and make it clear that they won’t sit idly by while extremists attack and malign LGBTQ+ people and our families.” -Kelley Robinson, HRC President
Queer Sex Ed is harm reduction. It builds empathy and understanding for people's many identities; and allows students of varying identity markers and genders to feel seen and affirmed. As someone who worked with middle schoolers for over 7+ years now, I can confidently say that any anti-LGBTQ rhetoric was learned and/or taught. Queer Sex Ed combats ideologies rooted in homophobia and transphobia; and encourages students to think critically about their values, biases and opinions.
With anti-LGBTQ legislation, rhetoric and violence at an all-time high, how are we not requiring Queer Sex Ed? This is life saving work. Violence prevention work. Harm reduction work. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT TO BLACK FEMMES
Many of us were taught about the Father of Gynecology (sometimes described as Father Butcher)---but what about the Mothers of Gynecology, the enslaved women and femmes who were forced to endure such acts of trauma and violence.
Anarcha, Betsey, Lucy.
And the other (unknown or unnamed) Black Femmes who were preyed upon and had no choice but to undergo coercive and non-consensual procedures and treatments which allowed for today's medical advancements within reproductive and sexual health.
Anarcha, Lucy, and Betsey were enslaved women from plantations in and around Montgomery, Alabama. With neither consent, choice nor anesthesia, they were experimented upon by Dr. J. Marion Sims in the 1840s. Some say, "Anarcha, Lucy, and Betsey fell into history. They changed the world, only to be forgotten by it."
We cannot forget our history or the contributions of our ancestors, especially as multiple states nation-wide are aiming to re-write and/or erase Black History. As sex educators, we must recognize and share that we would not have today's grasp and understanding of sexual and reproductive health without the non-consensual contributions and sacrifices of Black women and femmes like Anarcha, Betsey and Lucy. Similarly, without Black femmes like Henrietta Lacks ( known as the Mother of Modern Medicine); we would not have today's understanding of stem cells and how they can and have been used to create revolutionary vaccines, practices and treatments.
It is critical to pause and acknowledge these sacrifices and contributions of Black femmes and women throughout U.S. History because we continue to witness Black communities face medical barriers, racialized health disparities and mistreatment within today's healthcare system. For example, in 2023, Black women and femmes are still 3-4 times more likely to die from child birth and/or pregnancy-related concerns compared to their white counterparts. Black people and communities through U.S. History have been coerced into dishonest healthcare trials and experiments (Syphilis experiments, Puerto Rico Birth Control Pills, Sterilization procedures, etc) for the sake of medical advancement and progress; and yet, continue to be overlooked when it comes to adequate and quality health care. We must know our history in order to ensure its not fabricated or erased; and in some circumstances, not repeated.
Take a moment and acknowledge our ancestors who allowed us to have today's conversations and insights around sexual and reproductive health and care. It's necessary and powerful for our Black youth and communities to know that our ancestors played a pivotal role in today's understanding of sexual health and advancements. Thank you to the Black women and femmes that came before me; thank you to the Black women and femmes that currently build with me; and thank you to the Black women and femmes to follow after me. We will not be forgotten.