What advice would you offer to youth about safe relationships?

My advice would be that its important to know the difference between relationships that leave you feeling giddy, joyful, excited, full of bliss versus relationships that evoke anxiety, nervousnesss, overthinking, or even cause change of behavior in that relationship. Knowing the difference between those two. And if you can see that, you can see. But it’s hard. Sometimes we don’t want to see. But, looking at it in this way, like a checklist, has helped me out of situations that weren’t good.

Also, I don’t believe in having to keep anybody or anything. I was recently talking to this other Black woman about how there’s so many conversations about women trying to keep their man and their relationships...

What is for me will always come my way. And what is not meant for me will find its way out eventually, whether its forced or done with intention. The idea of trying to keep anybody sounds like work …and given the advice I mentioned earlier, that’s a red flag to me. There’s a difference between work in a relationship that is expanding, growing and elevating versus work where you are enslaved to somebody and you have to keep topping off, surpassing yourself, proving yourself and your worth to this person. And that being the basis of a relationship? That sounds ridiculous. You should want to be here and it should be a natural give and take.

what messageS did you receive around your gender/sexuality?

Growing up, I knew that queer people existed—they mostly looked like gay men. In the Dominican Republic (DR), they refer to gay men as “pajaros”—which means “bird” in English—which is funny to me because my name is also the name of a bird. Except, in the DR, a lesbian technically is called “pata” —like your “leg.”

I was always told being that way was different. It was something else. And if you are that or if you are to be that, you are only respected if you can flaunt it in a beautiful way. Meaning, if you have money, you can take care of your nails, your clothes, your hair—if you look good, no one can tell you nothing.

My mom is adopted; but knows her biological mom and sister. Once when we came to the US—we met that aunt and she, when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, started dating a woman. I remember, her partner’s name was Vicky and Vicky was fine—she had these cute afro curls. She was a little more masc presenting and—my aunt was dainty and petite and it was really cute. I remember we had all moved to Albany, NY for a year—where I did 4th grade. My aunt was going to school there and my mom went to try and have a new experience—moving around was a theme in our lives.

But my cousin, my aunt’s daughter, I remember her pulling me into my aunt’s room one night and showed me their double sided dildo—and it was GIANT. I was a kid though so my perception was maybe a bit skewed… but I remembered thinking OMG, it’s so big. All to say, I had this duality where I was curious and it felt so mischievous but it made me want to learn more about it. Especially because my aunt was normalizing it and actually doing it—living with a woman for years. She taught me it was okay—and said, “yeah, they’ll talk shit about you and tell you its a phase—and that you’re going to back,” and she ultimately did—but she lived her life.

Seeing her, I remember thinking this looks like this could be fun and interesting—I like this option. I was already attracted to girls—I didn’t fully understand that and couldn’t communicate that but it was helpful to see and understand why I had more friends that were boys.

I also learned a lot from my older sister who is 3 years older than me and she was hyper-sexual. I watched her get into it—she would sneak boys in. And my stepfather who we lived with for a couple years was a pimp and he would have giant bags of condoms in the closets. And I remember being curious and I’d open one. I opened a few actually and even tried to flush one down the toilet (it was bad). I was told one thing—but then all of the things around me, were right here telling me something else. I didn’t leave it alone… that’s for sure.

When you hear critical race theory what comes to mind and what should be discussed?

I think of 2020 and how important and pivotal it was and is in these conversations—and bringing these conversations into corporate spaces and communities. I think about history and the real conversation of history. Thats what it is to me. A solid win would be the honoring of that in a societal way. To honor history would look like—re-writing the history books to uplift and celebrate real parts of history and putting them in the schools. And if we do that, some things can be possible. Maybe I’d actually consider living in the States again.

When you mention rewriting books, what types of history or stories do you want to see highlighted?

I think of the spiritual. I just started watching the 1619 project about a week ago. And, I think even watching that would be beneficial—I think that having an active conversation about the history of the United States and how it was built on every ounce, energy and effort of the enslaved.

Once we can accept and honor that for what it truly means and fully speaking to it—and honor that in the school space, I think that would truly transform anything. But, you know, that’s a lot. It’s a big step.

How did you learn about your race and background?

I think it was probably when I was taking my ESL class. I was literally taken out of my main class away from everyone else—and placed with other kids who also didn’t speak English very well. I didn’t have to do it for long—maybe a year or two—but I remember watching Sesame Street and learning English through watching TV.

I was so young and at home I didn’t speak English. School was my introduction to speaking English for the first time. I was eager to learn because I wanted to understand what was happening around me and thats when I understood those around me were something else—super light skinned. I remember there was this popular girl in my 2nd or 3rd grade class and she had long blonde hair—nearly white—and she had real pale skin and bright blue eyes. And she was Colombian.