we are our most favorite and favored lovers

There's often unnecessary shame and stigma around solo play and intimacy when really, it can be an opportunity to be curious, (un)learn and discover what makes us feel good; by exploring what we like as well as our boundaries. We have a responsibility to challenge the harmful rhetoric and narratives around solo play; when frankly, it's a tactic of safety, harm reduction, and body affirmation. Below are 5 things I wish I knew sooner about solo play and intimacy:

1. Explore your Personal Preferences

One of the most significant aspects of solo intimacy is the chance to learn sensations and experiences truly bring us pleasure. When individuals engage in this practice, they have the freedom to explore their likes and dislikes without any external influence. This exploration not only enhances their understanding of their bodies but also supports them to reflect upon personal boundaries. By engaging in solo intimacy, one can identify what feels good (as well as what doesn’t) in order to foster more feel-good experiences with ourselves and others.

2. There’s no “right” way! You decide what is best for you.

Solo intimacy looks many different ways— and comes in countless forms; and that’s okay! In fact, that’s to be celebrated. We all have different identities, experience, abilities, bodies, and traumas that all inform our ability to access identity-affirming intimacy and safety. Some may choose to use their hands, other body parts, body items/toys, or even their mind. People get to decide what feels best to them. Remember: Be open to exploring! Finding what resonates can be a playful and fulfilling experience, broadening one’s understanding of pleasure and simply feeling good.

3. Health Benefits Galore

Beyond the joys of self-exploration, solo intimacy offers a myriad of health benefits. It can significantly reduce stress and alleviate menstrual cramps (and some even say, pregnancy contractions), making it a option for natural remedy. Additionally, engaging in self-pleasure can enhance sleep quality by promoting relaxation and easing tension. Recognizing these benefits transforms solo intimacy from mere pleasure into a holistic and deliberate approach to well-being.

4. Release Performance Pressure Expectations

One of the most liberating aspects of solo intimacy is the absence of pressure to perform. When individuals are alone, the focus often shifts almost entirely to their own pleasure and fantasies. This freedom allows for a deep immersion into imagination, creating an intimate experience tailored to personal desires. Without the expectations that often accompany partnered experiences, one can truly explore fantasies without inhibition, fostering a deeper connection to their own body.

5. Pleasure can come from others, but it can also come from ourselves

Finally, as Joel Leon beautifully reminds us, "[we] are our most favorite and favored lovers." While seeking pleasure from others is wonderful, it’s equally important to cultivate pleasure with oneself. Some people enjoy solo play and intimacy, and some don’t. Everyone gets to explore and experience “feeling good” in whatever form that takes. Here’s to that full bodied ‘yesssssss’!